Love Letters Straight From The Heart (Part 1)

By far the best part of my job is the feedback I receive from customers. I'm thankful to every single person who writes to me. The comments range from the sensible to the downright odd. From a business point of view, the informative letters are the most useful but they aren't so much fun. As a thank you to everyone who's written in I've included some of the more outrageous ones below. Enjoy. (I can't give you an example of the handwriting but aside from that everything is quoted as written).

“My likes are:
long hair surfers guys,
long hair skateboad guys,
long hair student guys,
long hair hippies guys,
long hair bickers
long hair rock stars.
I am able to pay good cash for any of the above. Please rush me any info. I need to know.” Thomas, Avon

“Fantastic orgasm during, next door had to shut their window.” Richard, London

“Me and my wife enjoy watching hardcore videos. WE LOVE IT” Romeo, London

“I NEVER HEARD, I JUST FINDOUT. 70'IES IS THE TIME, WHEN WOMEN WAS LOOCKING MOST ATRACTIVE EVER!” Robert, London

“Safe sex” Tim, Bristol

“Made me realise things I never knew before” DJ, Surrey

“THE FILM WAS SPOILED BY SILLY COSTUMES! WE WOULD LIKE BIZAR WITH DOGS” Ken, Dorset

“Mate got caught wanking over it. I didn't get caught (yet)” Perry, Surrey
“More dwarves!!!” Ryan, Derry

“It was arousing. 'Stiff city'” Martin, Devon

“(NICE + HORNY) (THE WIFE WAS PLEASED)” S&Y, Derby

“Heard my brother / Dad groaning! Excellent! Enjoyed the film with the whole family!” John, Cheltenham

“Nice history” Ragee, London

“Do you have any shapely young fat girls? + stockings. Advise?” Mark, London

“Like orgies a lot” Mr R, Scotland

“It gave me a hardon the size of Trafalgar Squar!! Loved it. Great jiz film” James, Somerset

“That fat bird was fucking minging” Jim, Taunton

“VERY GOOD. COLOUR BRIGT NOT FUZZY” David, Rotherham

“Brazillian Boychicks... motivated me to go to Brazil” Simon, Poole

“Very creamy” Clark, Taunton

“Hot Rod is the dogs!!” Shepherd's Bush' Leading Wanker

“I LIKE THE SHEMALES. YOU NEED TO USE MORE OF THEM” Spencer, London

“I FUCKING LOVED IT AND IT WAS GOOD” Mr L, Stoke on Trent

“It raises ones curiosity, and is good for the imagination, and shows people are stranger, than you think” Keith, Preston

“My mum told me about this film. THE BEST SPONGING I'VE HAD IN A WHILE” Daniel, Stafford

“I LOVE SEX” Selwin, Prestwich

“An education” David, Surrey

“Jenna Jameson is amazing. Excellent camera angles” Craig, Lincs

“ti saw pood porn” Colin, West Midlands

“GOOD FILM BUT NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT WAS SAID EVEN WITH THE SUBTITLES LIKE TO SEE MORE” Peter, Southampton

“I am a vigorous 53-year old male ... I have been a senior academic... I still have academic robe, mantle and cap... I have a 7” penis and am very good at giving oral.” Anon

“not very hard porn i was very dist bontin” Caroline, Cardiff

“More kinky stuff
more cum in the arse
more cum in the mouth” Paul, Great Yarmouth

“WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE PENETRATION OF THE CUNT BY THE TOE OF THE COURT SHOUE” Mr P, Cheltenham

Talk Dirty To Me

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Porn Is Better Than American Express

Every year a friend of mine has a weekend summer party. Last year I arrived with a load of DVDs under my arm and I was amazed at the welcome I received. There was nearly a fight as everyone clambered to get their hands on the hardcore. As I stood back to watch the frenzy a girlfriend turned to me and said “a big box of porn is better than a gold American Express card” and she was right. There are so many times when the promise of a movie has got the job done.

I'll set the scene for you. Essential phone line in the office is down. I call the phone company who promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. The company apologizes and promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. After another few days of this, I'm ready to strangle someone. Then, hallelujah an engineer arrives at 4.30pm on a Friday afternoon. He looks at the fault, shakes his head, sucks his teeth and says: “Sorry luv, I clock off at 5pm so I can't fix it. I'll call head office and get them to book you an engineer for Monday”. Me: “Would you like a copy of Spunk Loving Gangbang Sluts 8? What about Killer Pussy or maybe Witches of Arsewick? On second thoughts why not take all three!” Phone engineer: “That'll do nicely. It should take me 20 minutes to get that phone line up and running.” Sure enough, 15 minutes later the problem was solved. I had my phone line back and the engineer left a very happy man.

Take the above scene and substitute the phone engineer for a builder, an IT consultant, a guy who delivers the water, a courier, a window cleaner, a plumber... in fact anyone who offers a service. As I said before, porn is better than Amex.

Actually, even when the guy doesn't want to get his hands on my movies it can work in my favour. In my first year of business the tax man wanted to come and check my books. In those days, I spent hours screening hardcore films to work out which ones I should buy for UK release. The TV just so happened to be on the table which was the most sensible place for the tax man to go about his business. The guy who turned up was short, balding and badly dressed in a polyester suit. He couldn't have looked more like a tax inspector if he tried. I sat him down, gave him the files and settled down to watch the next batch of porn. I don't know if it was the constant grunting, the slurps and smacks of pussy eating or the 'fuck me, fuck me in the ass, give it to me in the ass.' Maybe it was the distraction of a beautiful big-titted, blonde sucking on a throbbing dick just out of his field of vision? So near yet so far. Either way, Mr Tax Inspector couldn't stand it and after just 10 minutes he was done and he nearly fell over as he ran out the door!

You see, porno gets the job done.

Love Jenna

Chances are if you know nothing about porn stars, you will probably have heard the name Jenna Jameson. She is one of the few girls who has successfully made the jump from adult to the mainstream. Jenna's book spills the beans on how to make love like a porn star. Her latest beau is a famous American sportsman (with very odd shaped head) and they can be found hanging out with A-list celebs at all the right parties. Now there are rumours that Scarlett Johansson will play Jenna in a forthcoming film about her life.

So Jenna is a big star and I got the chance to interview her. The first time was about 8 years ago at the porn convention in Las Vegas. In those days Jenna was just an adult performer, working for a company called Wicked Pictures. Even though she hadn't made the leap into mainstream she was still top of her game and her image on a box cover would guarantee sales and lots of them. To be honest, I didn't know what the fuss was about, to me she was just another blonde and not a very attractive one at that. I used to refer to her as “a pig on a stick”.

The porn convention in Las Vegas happens every January. It is a chance for fans from all over the world to come face to face with their fantasies. Guys and girls flock in their thousands, queuing for hours to get a autograph or have their photo taken with their idols. In those days, it was full of glamour, companies spent a huge amount of money on their stands and would go crazy marketing their latest porno blockbuster. It was big and brash and very American. Well what else can you do when the porno circus comes to Las Vegas!

Anyway, I was told that I had exactly 5 minutes to interview Jenna, she was signing on the Wicked stand and the queues for her scribble were already round the block. I had a set of appropriate porno questions like “what is the best way to suck cock?” and “what is your ultimate fantasy?” and my partner was going to film the interview. We waited patiently. When Jenna arrived she looked like an all American gal, in a pair of blue jeans, a pink T shirt and dazzling white trainers. Her blonde hair was tied back in a pony tail, her skin was Californian brown and her perfect teeth were as bright as her trainers. She looked wholesome and clean, not in the slightest bit sexy or porn starish. I remember thinking “what is all the fuss about?”

When the fans cottoned on to the fact that Jenna was going to be interviewed they mobbed the back of the stand and the throng was about 10 people deep! Jenna was completely unfazed. So I start with my questions. “How did you get into porn?” She was a stripper, met someone working in the business blah, blah, blah. “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Quite young, it was with some guy from school and so it went on.

I never understood about star quality but as I interviewed Jenna I realised that there was something about her. I couldn't really put my finger on it but in the space of 2 minutes it was like I had fallen in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply. I was transfixed. This normal looking girl suddenly became a woman oozing sex appeal. At one point I asked her what was her favourite part of her body and she said her feet. Very slowly she started to unlace her trainers, she removed her Snoopy socks (she told me she had to wear them as she hadn't done the washing) and wiggled her toes. The crowd when mad. Honestly, all she did was move her feet and men and women were fighting to get a closer view. This hysteria had got me too and I was so chuffed to be sitting right next to her!

Since then I have interviewed Jenna another 3 or 4 times. I have seen her do rock chic, I've seen her do glam. I've watched her start her own company, direct porn movies, sign contract girls and pushed for woman to play a more integral role in the adult industry. She is always professional and always charismatic but like true love, when I think of Jenna Jameson I will always remember our first time.

The Bottle up the Bum

Many years ago before hardcore was legalized, I produced a gay porn movie. The talented, young director stumbled across a disused Victorian toilet and we decided it was the perfect location for the bottle scene.

The scene involved 2 guys. It would start with a bit of wanking, move on to anal sex and then the grand finale was going to be a bottle butt fuck. So my first job of the day was to find a suitable bottle and the bottle-ee had requested one without a lip. Off I marched to the supermarket and wandered up and down the aisles inspecting every single beer bottle. Believe me, it isn’t that easy to find one without a lip and after 20 minutes of pondering a fresh faced assistant was by my side offering his help. I so desperately wanted to say “I’m shooting a hardcore, gay porn movie in 2 hours. Which bottle would you suggest for some rectal ramming?” Obviously, I didn’t say that but only because the shop assistant looked about 12 years old! After much deliberation I decided on a couple of different bottles and went to join the rest of the team.

Now the Victorian toilet was a stunning location but we didn’t really have permission to use it. Luckily, the door wasn’t locked enough to keep us out so we sort of broke in. If the police or the council were going to come knocking then the producer (me) would be the one who would have to take the flak, so I was a tad uneasy from the beginning.

We shot the wanking and the anal without a hitch, then it came to the bottle butt fuck and the guy due to be anally annihilated turned to me and said “sometimes when you are being fucked up the arse with a bottle, it can cause a vacuum and the bottle gets stuck. If this happens, DO NOT try to pull it out and definitely DO NOT try to break the bottle, just take me to A & E and they will sort it out”. The matter of fact way in which he said this made me think that he had experienced bottle butt fucking misdemeanors before. Anyway, lights, camera, action... within minutes that bottle was racing towards sphincter-ville. The blokes seemed to be enjoying themselves but as that bottle got further and further in I was turning into a nervous wreck. I had visions of speeding through the rush hour traffic with a porn star’s hairy, white arse complete with bottle, stuck out of the passenger window of my car! Actually, I was worrying for nothing, these guys were professionals and one thing a professional knows is that you will not get anywhere in the porn business unless you have an accommodating arse.

BOOBS

The other day I had to audition some stars for a production. I enjoy auditioning but it can be quite surreal. You meet, chat about other productions, discuss people in the industry, talk about mutual friends etc. and then they get naked. The funny thing, is that the conversation doesn’t usually change as the clothes come off, so I end up discussing the latest bit of industry gossip while my companion is standing there stark bollock naked.

Even if the performer is a big name, I still like to audition him or her, not because I desperately want to see them naked but because it lets me know if they will be any good on set. As I said before, if a bloke can come into my office on a cold, miserable evening, drop his trousers, get a stonking erection and then shoot his load when I say “action,” he will probably be able to perform in any situation. By the way, a note to all the wannabe porn stars out there, you don’t need a big cock to work in porn, you just need an obedient one.

With the guys, I’m looking for how well their dicks perform. With the girls, I check out their silicone to natural flesh ratio. I have to say, I’m sick to death of plastic tits, plastic lips, plastic noses and now plastic pecs for the lads. It used to be the Americans who were constantly being pumped but now we Brits are equally addicted. The thing about plastic tits is that they don’t look or feel anything like natural ones. Whatever the size, fakes don’t hang properly, don’t move properly, they definitely don’t bounce properly and you cannot underestimate the effect of a good bouncing boob! I’m happy to say, men will pay money to watch voluptuous women jangle their jugs and I’m happy to serve them (not personally, you understand).

After 10 years of watching plastic tits, it still makes me chuckle when surgically-enhanced girls lie down yet their boobs stay pointing to the ceiling. Despite what these girls say about their top-notch doctors, I can always spot fake tits. There are two methods to do this: the “how high are they” method and the “how round are they” method. The “how high are they” method is quite easy. Just work out the size of the boob in relation to the position on the chest. If they are big tits and high up (i.e. not much droop) then they are fake. If you were naturally blessed with whopping knockers (and I am, so I’m talking from experience) then chances are, even with a good bra, they will hang a bit lower.

With smaller fakes use the “how round are they” method. If a pair of tits looks like someone has got two bits of playdough and just lobbed them at a girl's chest, then they are fakes. I suppose the fail safe is the “how much do the tits move while a girl is running for a bus” method!!

The disadvantage of my fake tit methods is that you will need to spend quite a bit of time starring at women’s tits, but I suppose most men do that anyway.

The Porno Life

I’ve decided to write this blog to give a bit of insider information about the UK porn industry. I’m a woman who has been working behind the camera in the adult industry for the past 10 years and I’m fed up with all the myths about the industry I love. I’ve been thinking about writing something for a while but what propelled me into action was another late night TV show warning of the perils of porn! At first, I thought the programme was a piss take then I remembered I had received a call from a TV researcher who wanted to know if I could supply him with names of porn addicts or just anybody interested in their 15 minutes of fame. Like most TV researchers who call the office hungry for adult information, I tell them to go and do some bloody research!!!!!

Now the airwaves are inundated with TV shows about the adult industry and I have to admit that in my time I have featured on quite a few. All these shows pretend they are going to unearth a new angle / perspective when in fact they are all an excuse to show tits and arse (thankfully not mine). I’m a pornographer and in my book there isn’t anything wrong with tits and arse but don’t try and dress it up as something intellectual. If big tits and pert arses increase your viewing figures (and obviously they do, otherwise the researchers wouldn’t call me) then be honest. If a researcher called up and said ”the viewing figures are shit between midnight and 2am, so I’ve been given some money to make a programme and I think we need as many tits and arses as you can pack into 26 mins. Can you help?” I would give him every name in my little black book (actually it’s a little BlackBerry).

I have to say, considering TV programmes about the porn industry are so popular most of them are a load of bollocks and just perpetuate myths, like all female porn stars are disturbed individuals. All the girls I have met are well rounded, ambitious, grounded people who love their jobs. Yes, they are exhibitionists and they like the thought that men all around the world are wanking while looking at them but apart from that they are a really great, fun loving bunch of gals.

The other misguided myth is that everyone in porn earns as fortune and lives the playboy lifestyle. The earning a fortune is probably the biggest myth of the lot and as for the playboy lifestyle if that was true then I’d be in a hot tub, sipping champagne from a stiletto rather than writing this! I suppose porn is all about fantasy and people want to believe that we live the fantasy lifestyle. A few years ago I was having a meeting with Ben Dover (a much loved, well known British director performer). Lunchtime came around and we decided to nip to the supermarket for a sandwich. When we got to the checkout the bloke behind the till recognized him and said “Ben where are the naked ladies?” Ben Dover explained to him that we were having a business meeting and had popped out for some lunch but this guy would not believe us. He followed us to the car and when he found it empty his face dropped for a moment, then he piped up “You’re gonna shoot a scene, you are on your way to an orgy, aren’t you? Can I come and watch?“

Working in adult is like working in any other business, I spend most of my days sitting at a computer, calling, emailing etc. until we shoot a movie and then things are slightly different. I have to admit that it can be a little weird meeting someone for the first time and within minutes they are naked and having sex on the floor in front of you.

One of the biggest myths surrounding production is fluffers. I don’t use fluffers for the simple reason that if a male porn star can’t get an erection, keep an erection and do a cum shot on cue then he shouldn’t be a porn star! It’s like saying I’m a butcher but I don’t handle the meat! In my business if you can’t handle your meat, go home.