BOOBS

The other day I had to audition some stars for a production. I enjoy auditioning but it can be quite surreal. You meet, chat about other productions, discuss people in the industry, talk about mutual friends etc. and then they get naked. The funny thing, is that the conversation doesn’t usually change as the clothes come off, so I end up discussing the latest bit of industry gossip while my companion is standing there stark bollock naked.

Even if the performer is a big name, I still like to audition him or her, not because I desperately want to see them naked but because it lets me know if they will be any good on set. As I said before, if a bloke can come into my office on a cold, miserable evening, drop his trousers, get a stonking erection and then shoot his load when I say “action,” he will probably be able to perform in any situation. By the way, a note to all the wannabe porn stars out there, you don’t need a big cock to work in porn, you just need an obedient one.

With the guys, I’m looking for how well their dicks perform. With the girls, I check out their silicone to natural flesh ratio. I have to say, I’m sick to death of plastic tits, plastic lips, plastic noses and now plastic pecs for the lads. It used to be the Americans who were constantly being pumped but now we Brits are equally addicted. The thing about plastic tits is that they don’t look or feel anything like natural ones. Whatever the size, fakes don’t hang properly, don’t move properly, they definitely don’t bounce properly and you cannot underestimate the effect of a good bouncing boob! I’m happy to say, men will pay money to watch voluptuous women jangle their jugs and I’m happy to serve them (not personally, you understand).

After 10 years of watching plastic tits, it still makes me chuckle when surgically-enhanced girls lie down yet their boobs stay pointing to the ceiling. Despite what these girls say about their top-notch doctors, I can always spot fake tits. There are two methods to do this: the “how high are they” method and the “how round are they” method. The “how high are they” method is quite easy. Just work out the size of the boob in relation to the position on the chest. If they are big tits and high up (i.e. not much droop) then they are fake. If you were naturally blessed with whopping knockers (and I am, so I’m talking from experience) then chances are, even with a good bra, they will hang a bit lower.

With smaller fakes use the “how round are they” method. If a pair of tits looks like someone has got two bits of playdough and just lobbed them at a girl's chest, then they are fakes. I suppose the fail safe is the “how much do the tits move while a girl is running for a bus” method!!

The disadvantage of my fake tit methods is that you will need to spend quite a bit of time starring at women’s tits, but I suppose most men do that anyway.

The Porno Life

I’ve decided to write this blog to give a bit of insider information about the UK porn industry. I’m a woman who has been working behind the camera in the adult industry for the past 10 years and I’m fed up with all the myths about the industry I love. I’ve been thinking about writing something for a while but what propelled me into action was another late night TV show warning of the perils of porn! At first, I thought the programme was a piss take then I remembered I had received a call from a TV researcher who wanted to know if I could supply him with names of porn addicts or just anybody interested in their 15 minutes of fame. Like most TV researchers who call the office hungry for adult information, I tell them to go and do some bloody research!!!!!

Now the airwaves are inundated with TV shows about the adult industry and I have to admit that in my time I have featured on quite a few. All these shows pretend they are going to unearth a new angle / perspective when in fact they are all an excuse to show tits and arse (thankfully not mine). I’m a pornographer and in my book there isn’t anything wrong with tits and arse but don’t try and dress it up as something intellectual. If big tits and pert arses increase your viewing figures (and obviously they do, otherwise the researchers wouldn’t call me) then be honest. If a researcher called up and said ”the viewing figures are shit between midnight and 2am, so I’ve been given some money to make a programme and I think we need as many tits and arses as you can pack into 26 mins. Can you help?” I would give him every name in my little black book (actually it’s a little BlackBerry).

I have to say, considering TV programmes about the porn industry are so popular most of them are a load of bollocks and just perpetuate myths, like all female porn stars are disturbed individuals. All the girls I have met are well rounded, ambitious, grounded people who love their jobs. Yes, they are exhibitionists and they like the thought that men all around the world are wanking while looking at them but apart from that they are a really great, fun loving bunch of gals.

The other misguided myth is that everyone in porn earns as fortune and lives the playboy lifestyle. The earning a fortune is probably the biggest myth of the lot and as for the playboy lifestyle if that was true then I’d be in a hot tub, sipping champagne from a stiletto rather than writing this! I suppose porn is all about fantasy and people want to believe that we live the fantasy lifestyle. A few years ago I was having a meeting with Ben Dover (a much loved, well known British director performer). Lunchtime came around and we decided to nip to the supermarket for a sandwich. When we got to the checkout the bloke behind the till recognized him and said “Ben where are the naked ladies?” Ben Dover explained to him that we were having a business meeting and had popped out for some lunch but this guy would not believe us. He followed us to the car and when he found it empty his face dropped for a moment, then he piped up “You’re gonna shoot a scene, you are on your way to an orgy, aren’t you? Can I come and watch?“

Working in adult is like working in any other business, I spend most of my days sitting at a computer, calling, emailing etc. until we shoot a movie and then things are slightly different. I have to admit that it can be a little weird meeting someone for the first time and within minutes they are naked and having sex on the floor in front of you.

One of the biggest myths surrounding production is fluffers. I don’t use fluffers for the simple reason that if a male porn star can’t get an erection, keep an erection and do a cum shot on cue then he shouldn’t be a porn star! It’s like saying I’m a butcher but I don’t handle the meat! In my business if you can’t handle your meat, go home.