BOOBS

The other day I had to audition some stars for a production. I enjoy auditioning but it can be quite surreal. You meet, chat about other productions, discuss people in the industry, talk about mutual friends etc. and then they get naked. The funny thing, is that the conversation doesn’t usually change as the clothes come off, so I end up discussing the latest bit of industry gossip while my companion is standing there stark bollock naked.

Even if the performer is a big name, I still like to audition him or her, not because I desperately want to see them naked but because it lets me know if they will be any good on set. As I said before, if a bloke can come into my office on a cold, miserable evening, drop his trousers, get a stonking erection and then shoot his load when I say “action,” he will probably be able to perform in any situation. By the way, a note to all the wannabe porn stars out there, you don’t need a big cock to work in porn, you just need an obedient one.

With the guys, I’m looking for how well their dicks perform. With the girls, I check out their silicone to natural flesh ratio. I have to say, I’m sick to death of plastic tits, plastic lips, plastic noses and now plastic pecs for the lads. It used to be the Americans who were constantly being pumped but now we Brits are equally addicted. The thing about plastic tits is that they don’t look or feel anything like natural ones. Whatever the size, fakes don’t hang properly, don’t move properly, they definitely don’t bounce properly and you cannot underestimate the effect of a good bouncing boob! I’m happy to say, men will pay money to watch voluptuous women jangle their jugs and I’m happy to serve them (not personally, you understand).

After 10 years of watching plastic tits, it still makes me chuckle when surgically-enhanced girls lie down yet their boobs stay pointing to the ceiling. Despite what these girls say about their top-notch doctors, I can always spot fake tits. There are two methods to do this: the “how high are they” method and the “how round are they” method. The “how high are they” method is quite easy. Just work out the size of the boob in relation to the position on the chest. If they are big tits and high up (i.e. not much droop) then they are fake. If you were naturally blessed with whopping knockers (and I am, so I’m talking from experience) then chances are, even with a good bra, they will hang a bit lower.

With smaller fakes use the “how round are they” method. If a pair of tits looks like someone has got two bits of playdough and just lobbed them at a girl's chest, then they are fakes. I suppose the fail safe is the “how much do the tits move while a girl is running for a bus” method!!

The disadvantage of my fake tit methods is that you will need to spend quite a bit of time starring at women’s tits, but I suppose most men do that anyway.