Love Letters Straight From The Heart (Part 1)

By far the best part of my job is the feedback I receive from customers. I'm thankful to every single person who writes to me. The comments range from the sensible to the downright odd. From a business point of view, the informative letters are the most useful but they aren't so much fun. As a thank you to everyone who's written in I've included some of the more outrageous ones below. Enjoy. (I can't give you an example of the handwriting but aside from that everything is quoted as written).

“My likes are:
long hair surfers guys,
long hair skateboad guys,
long hair student guys,
long hair hippies guys,
long hair bickers
long hair rock stars.
I am able to pay good cash for any of the above. Please rush me any info. I need to know.” Thomas, Avon

“Fantastic orgasm during, next door had to shut their window.” Richard, London

“Me and my wife enjoy watching hardcore videos. WE LOVE IT” Romeo, London

“I NEVER HEARD, I JUST FINDOUT. 70'IES IS THE TIME, WHEN WOMEN WAS LOOCKING MOST ATRACTIVE EVER!” Robert, London

“Safe sex” Tim, Bristol

“Made me realise things I never knew before” DJ, Surrey

“THE FILM WAS SPOILED BY SILLY COSTUMES! WE WOULD LIKE BIZAR WITH DOGS” Ken, Dorset

“Mate got caught wanking over it. I didn't get caught (yet)” Perry, Surrey
“More dwarves!!!” Ryan, Derry

“It was arousing. 'Stiff city'” Martin, Devon

“(NICE + HORNY) (THE WIFE WAS PLEASED)” S&Y, Derby

“Heard my brother / Dad groaning! Excellent! Enjoyed the film with the whole family!” John, Cheltenham

“Nice history” Ragee, London

“Do you have any shapely young fat girls? + stockings. Advise?” Mark, London

“Like orgies a lot” Mr R, Scotland

“It gave me a hardon the size of Trafalgar Squar!! Loved it. Great jiz film” James, Somerset

“That fat bird was fucking minging” Jim, Taunton

“VERY GOOD. COLOUR BRIGT NOT FUZZY” David, Rotherham

“Brazillian Boychicks... motivated me to go to Brazil” Simon, Poole

“Very creamy” Clark, Taunton

“Hot Rod is the dogs!!” Shepherd's Bush' Leading Wanker

“I LIKE THE SHEMALES. YOU NEED TO USE MORE OF THEM” Spencer, London

“I FUCKING LOVED IT AND IT WAS GOOD” Mr L, Stoke on Trent

“It raises ones curiosity, and is good for the imagination, and shows people are stranger, than you think” Keith, Preston

“My mum told me about this film. THE BEST SPONGING I'VE HAD IN A WHILE” Daniel, Stafford

“I LOVE SEX” Selwin, Prestwich

“An education” David, Surrey

“Jenna Jameson is amazing. Excellent camera angles” Craig, Lincs

“ti saw pood porn” Colin, West Midlands

“GOOD FILM BUT NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT WAS SAID EVEN WITH THE SUBTITLES LIKE TO SEE MORE” Peter, Southampton

“I am a vigorous 53-year old male ... I have been a senior academic... I still have academic robe, mantle and cap... I have a 7” penis and am very good at giving oral.” Anon

“not very hard porn i was very dist bontin” Caroline, Cardiff

“More kinky stuff
more cum in the arse
more cum in the mouth” Paul, Great Yarmouth

“WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE PENETRATION OF THE CUNT BY THE TOE OF THE COURT SHOUE” Mr P, Cheltenham

Talk Dirty To Me

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Porn Is Better Than American Express

Every year a friend of mine has a weekend summer party. Last year I arrived with a load of DVDs under my arm and I was amazed at the welcome I received. There was nearly a fight as everyone clambered to get their hands on the hardcore. As I stood back to watch the frenzy a girlfriend turned to me and said “a big box of porn is better than a gold American Express card” and she was right. There are so many times when the promise of a movie has got the job done.

I'll set the scene for you. Essential phone line in the office is down. I call the phone company who promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. The company apologizes and promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. After another few days of this, I'm ready to strangle someone. Then, hallelujah an engineer arrives at 4.30pm on a Friday afternoon. He looks at the fault, shakes his head, sucks his teeth and says: “Sorry luv, I clock off at 5pm so I can't fix it. I'll call head office and get them to book you an engineer for Monday”. Me: “Would you like a copy of Spunk Loving Gangbang Sluts 8? What about Killer Pussy or maybe Witches of Arsewick? On second thoughts why not take all three!” Phone engineer: “That'll do nicely. It should take me 20 minutes to get that phone line up and running.” Sure enough, 15 minutes later the problem was solved. I had my phone line back and the engineer left a very happy man.

Take the above scene and substitute the phone engineer for a builder, an IT consultant, a guy who delivers the water, a courier, a window cleaner, a plumber... in fact anyone who offers a service. As I said before, porn is better than Amex.

Actually, even when the guy doesn't want to get his hands on my movies it can work in my favour. In my first year of business the tax man wanted to come and check my books. In those days, I spent hours screening hardcore films to work out which ones I should buy for UK release. The TV just so happened to be on the table which was the most sensible place for the tax man to go about his business. The guy who turned up was short, balding and badly dressed in a polyester suit. He couldn't have looked more like a tax inspector if he tried. I sat him down, gave him the files and settled down to watch the next batch of porn. I don't know if it was the constant grunting, the slurps and smacks of pussy eating or the 'fuck me, fuck me in the ass, give it to me in the ass.' Maybe it was the distraction of a beautiful big-titted, blonde sucking on a throbbing dick just out of his field of vision? So near yet so far. Either way, Mr Tax Inspector couldn't stand it and after just 10 minutes he was done and he nearly fell over as he ran out the door!

You see, porno gets the job done.

Love Jenna

Chances are if you know nothing about porn stars, you will probably have heard the name Jenna Jameson. She is one of the few girls who has successfully made the jump from adult to the mainstream. Jenna's book spills the beans on how to make love like a porn star. Her latest beau is a famous American sportsman (with very odd shaped head) and they can be found hanging out with A-list celebs at all the right parties. Now there are rumours that Scarlett Johansson will play Jenna in a forthcoming film about her life.

So Jenna is a big star and I got the chance to interview her. The first time was about 8 years ago at the porn convention in Las Vegas. In those days Jenna was just an adult performer, working for a company called Wicked Pictures. Even though she hadn't made the leap into mainstream she was still top of her game and her image on a box cover would guarantee sales and lots of them. To be honest, I didn't know what the fuss was about, to me she was just another blonde and not a very attractive one at that. I used to refer to her as “a pig on a stick”.

The porn convention in Las Vegas happens every January. It is a chance for fans from all over the world to come face to face with their fantasies. Guys and girls flock in their thousands, queuing for hours to get a autograph or have their photo taken with their idols. In those days, it was full of glamour, companies spent a huge amount of money on their stands and would go crazy marketing their latest porno blockbuster. It was big and brash and very American. Well what else can you do when the porno circus comes to Las Vegas!

Anyway, I was told that I had exactly 5 minutes to interview Jenna, she was signing on the Wicked stand and the queues for her scribble were already round the block. I had a set of appropriate porno questions like “what is the best way to suck cock?” and “what is your ultimate fantasy?” and my partner was going to film the interview. We waited patiently. When Jenna arrived she looked like an all American gal, in a pair of blue jeans, a pink T shirt and dazzling white trainers. Her blonde hair was tied back in a pony tail, her skin was Californian brown and her perfect teeth were as bright as her trainers. She looked wholesome and clean, not in the slightest bit sexy or porn starish. I remember thinking “what is all the fuss about?”

When the fans cottoned on to the fact that Jenna was going to be interviewed they mobbed the back of the stand and the throng was about 10 people deep! Jenna was completely unfazed. So I start with my questions. “How did you get into porn?” She was a stripper, met someone working in the business blah, blah, blah. “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Quite young, it was with some guy from school and so it went on.

I never understood about star quality but as I interviewed Jenna I realised that there was something about her. I couldn't really put my finger on it but in the space of 2 minutes it was like I had fallen in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply. I was transfixed. This normal looking girl suddenly became a woman oozing sex appeal. At one point I asked her what was her favourite part of her body and she said her feet. Very slowly she started to unlace her trainers, she removed her Snoopy socks (she told me she had to wear them as she hadn't done the washing) and wiggled her toes. The crowd when mad. Honestly, all she did was move her feet and men and women were fighting to get a closer view. This hysteria had got me too and I was so chuffed to be sitting right next to her!

Since then I have interviewed Jenna another 3 or 4 times. I have seen her do rock chic, I've seen her do glam. I've watched her start her own company, direct porn movies, sign contract girls and pushed for woman to play a more integral role in the adult industry. She is always professional and always charismatic but like true love, when I think of Jenna Jameson I will always remember our first time.

The Bottle up the Bum

Many years ago before hardcore was legalized, I produced a gay porn movie. The talented, young director stumbled across a disused Victorian toilet and we decided it was the perfect location for the bottle scene.

The scene involved 2 guys. It would start with a bit of wanking, move on to anal sex and then the grand finale was going to be a bottle butt fuck. So my first job of the day was to find a suitable bottle and the bottle-ee had requested one without a lip. Off I marched to the supermarket and wandered up and down the aisles inspecting every single beer bottle. Believe me, it isn’t that easy to find one without a lip and after 20 minutes of pondering a fresh faced assistant was by my side offering his help. I so desperately wanted to say “I’m shooting a hardcore, gay porn movie in 2 hours. Which bottle would you suggest for some rectal ramming?” Obviously, I didn’t say that but only because the shop assistant looked about 12 years old! After much deliberation I decided on a couple of different bottles and went to join the rest of the team.

Now the Victorian toilet was a stunning location but we didn’t really have permission to use it. Luckily, the door wasn’t locked enough to keep us out so we sort of broke in. If the police or the council were going to come knocking then the producer (me) would be the one who would have to take the flak, so I was a tad uneasy from the beginning.

We shot the wanking and the anal without a hitch, then it came to the bottle butt fuck and the guy due to be anally annihilated turned to me and said “sometimes when you are being fucked up the arse with a bottle, it can cause a vacuum and the bottle gets stuck. If this happens, DO NOT try to pull it out and definitely DO NOT try to break the bottle, just take me to A & E and they will sort it out”. The matter of fact way in which he said this made me think that he had experienced bottle butt fucking misdemeanors before. Anyway, lights, camera, action... within minutes that bottle was racing towards sphincter-ville. The blokes seemed to be enjoying themselves but as that bottle got further and further in I was turning into a nervous wreck. I had visions of speeding through the rush hour traffic with a porn star’s hairy, white arse complete with bottle, stuck out of the passenger window of my car! Actually, I was worrying for nothing, these guys were professionals and one thing a professional knows is that you will not get anywhere in the porn business unless you have an accommodating arse.