A Rabbit's Tale

It’s a coincidence that my last post was about sex toys as this week I was party to a related incident. I used to enjoy flying. Handy as I have to attend a number of overseas porn shows. But I have to admit recently it has become a complete pain in the arse. I know the extended security measures are for our protection. The problem is it now seems to take 4 hours to board a plane for a 40 minute flight. Plus, since the liquid restrictions have been in place 180 quid’s worth of my top-notch, designer make-up has inexplicably gone astray in the X-ray machine. But that’s another story.

Though flying for me has become a real drag, my last trip back from Munich was livened up thanks to an elderly couple. We were at the last security check before boarding. The one where you have to surrender your Evian bottle just in case it’s a dirty bomb. As I waited in line, I noticed a beautiful leather bag being pulled aside for inspection. An elderly couple indicated it was theirs and I watched as Mr Security Guard opened it and removed a few items. Mr & Mrs Elderly must have been in their 80s. They were incredibly stylish and impeccably dressed. He had the air of a retired Swiss banker and she looked like she owned a collection of fur coats. They reeked of old money.

While I watched them, I daydreamed about a life where I had enough cash to afford such exquisite hand luggage. Suddenly I was shaken back to life by a familiar sound. When my eyes focused, I saw Mr Security Guard juggling an enormous, bright pink jelly rabbit complete with clit-tickling tongue. He must have accidentally switched it on and judging by the noise, he’d racked it up to full speed. I don’t know if it was the sudden realisation of what he was holding. Or whether it was the first time he’d seen such a massive sex toy (we’re talking a whopping 10 inch vibe.) Or that he wasn’t expecting it to vibrate quite so violently. But a second later, it slipped out of his hand, flip-flapped on the counter making enough noise to alert everyone around and then fell to the floor where it continued to move like a huge, penis-shaped fish out of water.

There was a collective shocked silence and for a moment all you could hear was the vibrator as it travelled across the floor. Mr & Mrs Elderly held their composure and stood like expensively dressed statues, staring straight ahead. Mr Security Guard’s embarrassment had caused him to sweat profusely and he had turned an odd shade of red. He suddenly dashed to retrieve the offending item. Each time he tried, the rabbit just hopped right out of his shaking hands. By then the silence had been broken and the air began to fill with stifled giggles and murmurs as the passengers watched on.

I don’t know if it was the pornographer in me or just my familiarity with sex toys but I did the dutiful thing. I reached down and picked up the rabbit, switched it off, returned it to the counter and then stood back in line. Like I said in my last post, any sex toy with a jelly surface seems to attract all manner of dirt and dust and I noticed that this one now had a coating of greyish gunk from the floor.

Mr Security Guard got up off his knees and gave me a nod of gratitude as he returned to his counter. The surrounding passengers erupted into hysterical laughter. Mr & Mrs Elderly remained rooted to the spot, their gaze transfixed. If they were embarrassed, as I’m sure anyone would be had their 10 inch jelly vibe performed acrobatics in front of 50 strangers, it didn’t show on their faces. Mr Security Guard, obviously wanting the whole affair to end, hurriedly threw all their possessions back into their expensive bag. Just as he reached out for the gunked-up rabbit, Mrs Elderly picked it up, walked with dignity over to the nearest bin and threw it away. She linked arms with her husband. Or was it her husband? And they both disappeared to catch their plane.

Is Plastic Wanktastic?

While clearing out my wardrobe I discovered a forgotten drawer full of freebie dildos and vibrators. Some are porn shoot leftovers while others I’ve acquired in exchange for my porno movies. The reason I had to brush the cobwebs off the toy box is because I have one all-time favourite vibrator which is far too good to mingle with the common hoi polloi and instead has pride of place by the bed or in my handbag, depending on my mood.

I have a strict 'one in, one out' wardrobe policy which has obviously failed as I always need more drawer space so the sex toys had to go. But what should I do with them all? I have tried every one at least once so I could hardly give them away or sell them on eBay! And I don’t think my local charity shop would appreciate a delivery of used ‘marital aids’ (albeit from one careful lady owner).

While pondering my dilemma, I came to the conclusion that most sex toys are bloody ugly (especially plastic dildos which in my opinion are also useless). Who the hell wants the classic, bright pink, odd-shaped cock-a-likey? I have a particular disgust for any any vibe or dildo with a smiley face or those shaped like a deformed telletubby or a dolphin or a giraffe or whatever…

I have to admit Candida Royalle’s Natural Contours collection does look a bit more classy and could be mistaken for some trendy Phillipe Starkesque kitchen utensils. Supposedly the range was inspired by the contours of a woman’s body. I have the Superb model which is the medium size, lime green one. When I hold it to my fanny it doesn’t really do much other than make a hell of a noise and vibrate very mildly. It is either completely bollocks or I should consult my doctor about my misshapen 'contours'!

There are also a number of 'rabbits' lurking in the drawer. Thanks to Sex In The City and TV appearances from the likes of Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross, the rampant rabbit has become a fashion accessory. I just don’t get it. In the drawer there is a lurid purple one with beads inside. There’s a vivid green one smiling at me. Yuk. Another has a jelly surface which attracts fluff, hair and dust from miles around. And the last is a waterproof model with a brick sized remote that weighs a ton. It’s hard to choose between them. Um? Er? Actually they’re all rubbish! I’ll freely admit I’m biased as my favourite vibrator is just so much better…

In fact my vibrator is practically perfect in every way and it guarantees me a mind-shattering orgasm every time. It looks a bit like a trendy metal key ring. Very simple in design - a metal rod about 10 cm long with a screw attached to the bottom. What makes it so impressive is the incredibly powerful, yet silent motor. Just turn the screw and you get va va va va va va vooooooooooom… with hardly a sound (if you ignore the noise I make). You can stick it wherever you fancy or just get off by using its explosive might. It’s made from the same material as piercing jewellery so it’s hygienic and easy to clean. I know the blurb on the back of every vibrator box promises power and stealth but with mine it‘s true. Aside from myself or my man, nothing can turn me on and get me off faster.

Let me tell you the story of how I acquired this precious metal object. At trade shows, just before it’s time to pack up the stands, there’s always a frenzied swoparama between exhibitors. That year I was having fun with the Wildcat boys who had spent the entire show swigging Jack Daniels out of Vince Ray mugs and eyeing up the ladies. That’s Rock ‘n’ Roll! We have a perfect symbiotic relationship – they love porn and my movies in particular and I love their glass dildos and rocker jewellery. I handed over a stack of films and they presented me with, amongst other things, the metal vibrator. I was impressed with its stylish looks but completely blown away when they turned it on. Straight away I headed for the ladies loo and boy did it get me going! Orgasm over and still slightly flushed, I legged it back to their stand and put in an order for 20. That was birthday and Christmas presents sorted for all my girlfriends.

A few weeks later, the rock ‘n’ rollers called with bad news. The genius old codger who had invented the incredibly powerful yet silent motor had disappeared. Nobody knew if he had died, retired or gone out of business. He’d vanished and taken his secret with him. Damm that man! Didn’t he know that there were women out there in need of his invention? I was gutted for my girlfriends, but in a selfish way relieved that I had mine.

Wildcat have since recreated the vibrator with a new motor. I haven’t tried it so I can’t comment on the power. Go to the Wildcat website and search for VIB3 Unisex Internal Vibrator. It amazes me that such a powerful little sex machine is simply referred to as VIB3!

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the Rock Chick which is hands-free and stimulates the G-spot and the clit. I have made a declaration of love / lust to my metal vibrator ‘til death do us part, but I might be fickle… If I do I’ll report back.

So there I was bagging up the vibes and dildos when I got an idea. Every where I look these days I see ads encouraging us to recycle our broken or unused mobile phones. It’s good for the environment and they get sent to people in need. Maybe I should launch a similar service for sex toys? Do my bit for the community and reduce my carbon vag-print.