A Rabbit's Tale

It’s a coincidence that my last post was about sex toys as this week I was party to a related incident. I used to enjoy flying. Handy as I have to attend a number of overseas porn shows. But I have to admit recently it has become a complete pain in the arse. I know the extended security measures are for our protection. The problem is it now seems to take 4 hours to board a plane for a 40 minute flight. Plus, since the liquid restrictions have been in place 180 quid’s worth of my top-notch, designer make-up has inexplicably gone astray in the X-ray machine. But that’s another story.

Though flying for me has become a real drag, my last trip back from Munich was livened up thanks to an elderly couple. We were at the last security check before boarding. The one where you have to surrender your Evian bottle just in case it’s a dirty bomb. As I waited in line, I noticed a beautiful leather bag being pulled aside for inspection. An elderly couple indicated it was theirs and I watched as Mr Security Guard opened it and removed a few items. Mr & Mrs Elderly must have been in their 80s. They were incredibly stylish and impeccably dressed. He had the air of a retired Swiss banker and she looked like she owned a collection of fur coats. They reeked of old money.

While I watched them, I daydreamed about a life where I had enough cash to afford such exquisite hand luggage. Suddenly I was shaken back to life by a familiar sound. When my eyes focused, I saw Mr Security Guard juggling an enormous, bright pink jelly rabbit complete with clit-tickling tongue. He must have accidentally switched it on and judging by the noise, he’d racked it up to full speed. I don’t know if it was the sudden realisation of what he was holding. Or whether it was the first time he’d seen such a massive sex toy (we’re talking a whopping 10 inch vibe.) Or that he wasn’t expecting it to vibrate quite so violently. But a second later, it slipped out of his hand, flip-flapped on the counter making enough noise to alert everyone around and then fell to the floor where it continued to move like a huge, penis-shaped fish out of water.

There was a collective shocked silence and for a moment all you could hear was the vibrator as it travelled across the floor. Mr & Mrs Elderly held their composure and stood like expensively dressed statues, staring straight ahead. Mr Security Guard’s embarrassment had caused him to sweat profusely and he had turned an odd shade of red. He suddenly dashed to retrieve the offending item. Each time he tried, the rabbit just hopped right out of his shaking hands. By then the silence had been broken and the air began to fill with stifled giggles and murmurs as the passengers watched on.

I don’t know if it was the pornographer in me or just my familiarity with sex toys but I did the dutiful thing. I reached down and picked up the rabbit, switched it off, returned it to the counter and then stood back in line. Like I said in my last post, any sex toy with a jelly surface seems to attract all manner of dirt and dust and I noticed that this one now had a coating of greyish gunk from the floor.

Mr Security Guard got up off his knees and gave me a nod of gratitude as he returned to his counter. The surrounding passengers erupted into hysterical laughter. Mr & Mrs Elderly remained rooted to the spot, their gaze transfixed. If they were embarrassed, as I’m sure anyone would be had their 10 inch jelly vibe performed acrobatics in front of 50 strangers, it didn’t show on their faces. Mr Security Guard, obviously wanting the whole affair to end, hurriedly threw all their possessions back into their expensive bag. Just as he reached out for the gunked-up rabbit, Mrs Elderly picked it up, walked with dignity over to the nearest bin and threw it away. She linked arms with her husband. Or was it her husband? And they both disappeared to catch their plane.