Is Plastic Wanktastic?

While clearing out my wardrobe I discovered a forgotten drawer full of freebie dildos and vibrators. Some are porn shoot leftovers while others I’ve acquired in exchange for my porno movies. The reason I had to brush the cobwebs off the toy box is because I have one all-time favourite vibrator which is far too good to mingle with the common hoi polloi and instead has pride of place by the bed or in my handbag, depending on my mood.

I have a strict 'one in, one out' wardrobe policy which has obviously failed as I always need more drawer space so the sex toys had to go. But what should I do with them all? I have tried every one at least once so I could hardly give them away or sell them on eBay! And I don’t think my local charity shop would appreciate a delivery of used ‘marital aids’ (albeit from one careful lady owner).

While pondering my dilemma, I came to the conclusion that most sex toys are bloody ugly (especially plastic dildos which in my opinion are also useless). Who the hell wants the classic, bright pink, odd-shaped cock-a-likey? I have a particular disgust for any any vibe or dildo with a smiley face or those shaped like a deformed telletubby or a dolphin or a giraffe or whatever…

I have to admit Candida Royalle’s Natural Contours collection does look a bit more classy and could be mistaken for some trendy Phillipe Starkesque kitchen utensils. Supposedly the range was inspired by the contours of a woman’s body. I have the Superb model which is the medium size, lime green one. When I hold it to my fanny it doesn’t really do much other than make a hell of a noise and vibrate very mildly. It is either completely bollocks or I should consult my doctor about my misshapen 'contours'!

There are also a number of 'rabbits' lurking in the drawer. Thanks to Sex In The City and TV appearances from the likes of Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross, the rampant rabbit has become a fashion accessory. I just don’t get it. In the drawer there is a lurid purple one with beads inside. There’s a vivid green one smiling at me. Yuk. Another has a jelly surface which attracts fluff, hair and dust from miles around. And the last is a waterproof model with a brick sized remote that weighs a ton. It’s hard to choose between them. Um? Er? Actually they’re all rubbish! I’ll freely admit I’m biased as my favourite vibrator is just so much better…

In fact my vibrator is practically perfect in every way and it guarantees me a mind-shattering orgasm every time. It looks a bit like a trendy metal key ring. Very simple in design - a metal rod about 10 cm long with a screw attached to the bottom. What makes it so impressive is the incredibly powerful, yet silent motor. Just turn the screw and you get va va va va va va vooooooooooom… with hardly a sound (if you ignore the noise I make). You can stick it wherever you fancy or just get off by using its explosive might. It’s made from the same material as piercing jewellery so it’s hygienic and easy to clean. I know the blurb on the back of every vibrator box promises power and stealth but with mine it‘s true. Aside from myself or my man, nothing can turn me on and get me off faster.

Let me tell you the story of how I acquired this precious metal object. At trade shows, just before it’s time to pack up the stands, there’s always a frenzied swoparama between exhibitors. That year I was having fun with the Wildcat boys who had spent the entire show swigging Jack Daniels out of Vince Ray mugs and eyeing up the ladies. That’s Rock ‘n’ Roll! We have a perfect symbiotic relationship – they love porn and my movies in particular and I love their glass dildos and rocker jewellery. I handed over a stack of films and they presented me with, amongst other things, the metal vibrator. I was impressed with its stylish looks but completely blown away when they turned it on. Straight away I headed for the ladies loo and boy did it get me going! Orgasm over and still slightly flushed, I legged it back to their stand and put in an order for 20. That was birthday and Christmas presents sorted for all my girlfriends.

A few weeks later, the rock ‘n’ rollers called with bad news. The genius old codger who had invented the incredibly powerful yet silent motor had disappeared. Nobody knew if he had died, retired or gone out of business. He’d vanished and taken his secret with him. Damm that man! Didn’t he know that there were women out there in need of his invention? I was gutted for my girlfriends, but in a selfish way relieved that I had mine.

Wildcat have since recreated the vibrator with a new motor. I haven’t tried it so I can’t comment on the power. Go to the Wildcat website and search for VIB3 Unisex Internal Vibrator. It amazes me that such a powerful little sex machine is simply referred to as VIB3!

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the Rock Chick which is hands-free and stimulates the G-spot and the clit. I have made a declaration of love / lust to my metal vibrator ‘til death do us part, but I might be fickle… If I do I’ll report back.

So there I was bagging up the vibes and dildos when I got an idea. Every where I look these days I see ads encouraging us to recycle our broken or unused mobile phones. It’s good for the environment and they get sent to people in need. Maybe I should launch a similar service for sex toys? Do my bit for the community and reduce my carbon vag-print.