Porno Food

We have instigated a new lunchtime regime at work. We take it in turns to cook. I say 'we' but actually I'm not part of the cooking rota because I can't cook.

Since we started, a plan has been hatched to create a cookbook. We have had hours of fun designing this imaginary book, which has been titled 'PornoFood: recipes from the kitchen of Hot Rod Productions.' The book would combine glossy, hardcore pics with simple, healthy recipes. Sounds good, eh? All we need now is a publishing deal.

I ought to mention that there are a few rules to our smut-inspired lunches:
1. Every dish has to be christened with a porno name.
2. The budget is £1 per person per day. Depending on how many people are at work, lunch ranges from the expensive, like 'Piss On My Rice Bitch', to today's dirt cheap Brigitte Bui dish which cost an unbelievable 38p per head.
3. Where possible we use organic vegetables, the dirtier the better.
4. All dishes must be made and enjoyed within the 1 hour lunchbreak.
5. Friday is dessert day, money permitting.
6. The cook doesn't wash up.

One of our staple lunches is 'Lesbian Stew' thus named as there's no meat in it. For cold winter days there's 'Hot Rod Hot Pot' or a particular Geordie favourite 'Toad in My Juicy Hole.' There's also 'Cock Soup' which sounds disgusting but is actually delicious when made by my sausage-obsessed Polish assistant.

'Stuffed Lolly' is named after the Great British porn star Lolly Badcock as a roasted red pepper looks just like her stretchy labia. Lolly's labia lips are discussed at length most lunchtimes, today being no different.

'Piss on My Rice Bitch' is one of our posher recipes. It is a feta cheese risotto with lemon grass. Now on to the Brigitte Bui dishes... Brigitte Bui is a stunning Italian 21 year old, ex-model turned porn star. Busty and blonde with legs up to her armpits, everyone agrees she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and very, very sexy. Problem is she fucks like a plank. So Brigitte Bui dishes looks great but are actually tasteless.

For dessert there's the scrumptious 'Banana Rimmers.' Melt a massive bar of Dairy Milk chocolate in a bit of full-fat milk and pour the gooey, pooey mixture over the bananas and there you have it... Banana Rimmers. Eat and enjoy, safe in the knowledge that it is so calorific that it is actually off the scale, which means that it's on a par with calorie free. That's girl thinking!!!

Aside from the health benefits of a hearty home-cooked porno meal, another good reason for our lunchtime get-togethers is that we sit round the boardroom table and chat. Today the conversation started with the problems associated with shooting a DP (double penetration). Then we discussed bank charges. Followed by a lube review where we came to the conclusion that warming lube is a complete waste of time as who'd want to rub chilli on their fanny! This lead us on to herbal viagra and we decided that 'Golden Root' does the trick. Then our favourite topic of conversation - just how stretchable are Lolly Badcock's lips? And we finished off chastising Jenna Jameson for being far too thin and Katsumi for have surgery. Not bad for 30 mins.

I love my lunchtimes. They're the perfect chance to get away from my desk, eat good food (unless it's a Brigitte Bui dish) and gossip about sex. What more could a girl, who can't cook, ask for?