A Rabbit's Tale

It’s a coincidence that my last post was about sex toys as this week I was party to a related incident. I used to enjoy flying. Handy as I have to attend a number of overseas porn shows. But I have to admit recently it has become a complete pain in the arse. I know the extended security measures are for our protection. The problem is it now seems to take 4 hours to board a plane for a 40 minute flight. Plus, since the liquid restrictions have been in place 180 quid’s worth of my top-notch, designer make-up has inexplicably gone astray in the X-ray machine. But that’s another story.

Though flying for me has become a real drag, my last trip back from Munich was livened up thanks to an elderly couple. We were at the last security check before boarding. The one where you have to surrender your Evian bottle just in case it’s a dirty bomb. As I waited in line, I noticed a beautiful leather bag being pulled aside for inspection. An elderly couple indicated it was theirs and I watched as Mr Security Guard opened it and removed a few items. Mr & Mrs Elderly must have been in their 80s. They were incredibly stylish and impeccably dressed. He had the air of a retired Swiss banker and she looked like she owned a collection of fur coats. They reeked of old money.

While I watched them, I daydreamed about a life where I had enough cash to afford such exquisite hand luggage. Suddenly I was shaken back to life by a familiar sound. When my eyes focused, I saw Mr Security Guard juggling an enormous, bright pink jelly rabbit complete with clit-tickling tongue. He must have accidentally switched it on and judging by the noise, he’d racked it up to full speed. I don’t know if it was the sudden realisation of what he was holding. Or whether it was the first time he’d seen such a massive sex toy (we’re talking a whopping 10 inch vibe.) Or that he wasn’t expecting it to vibrate quite so violently. But a second later, it slipped out of his hand, flip-flapped on the counter making enough noise to alert everyone around and then fell to the floor where it continued to move like a huge, penis-shaped fish out of water.

There was a collective shocked silence and for a moment all you could hear was the vibrator as it travelled across the floor. Mr & Mrs Elderly held their composure and stood like expensively dressed statues, staring straight ahead. Mr Security Guard’s embarrassment had caused him to sweat profusely and he had turned an odd shade of red. He suddenly dashed to retrieve the offending item. Each time he tried, the rabbit just hopped right out of his shaking hands. By then the silence had been broken and the air began to fill with stifled giggles and murmurs as the passengers watched on.

I don’t know if it was the pornographer in me or just my familiarity with sex toys but I did the dutiful thing. I reached down and picked up the rabbit, switched it off, returned it to the counter and then stood back in line. Like I said in my last post, any sex toy with a jelly surface seems to attract all manner of dirt and dust and I noticed that this one now had a coating of greyish gunk from the floor.

Mr Security Guard got up off his knees and gave me a nod of gratitude as he returned to his counter. The surrounding passengers erupted into hysterical laughter. Mr & Mrs Elderly remained rooted to the spot, their gaze transfixed. If they were embarrassed, as I’m sure anyone would be had their 10 inch jelly vibe performed acrobatics in front of 50 strangers, it didn’t show on their faces. Mr Security Guard, obviously wanting the whole affair to end, hurriedly threw all their possessions back into their expensive bag. Just as he reached out for the gunked-up rabbit, Mrs Elderly picked it up, walked with dignity over to the nearest bin and threw it away. She linked arms with her husband. Or was it her husband? And they both disappeared to catch their plane.

Is Plastic Wanktastic?

While clearing out my wardrobe I discovered a forgotten drawer full of freebie dildos and vibrators. Some are porn shoot leftovers while others I’ve acquired in exchange for my porno movies. The reason I had to brush the cobwebs off the toy box is because I have one all-time favourite vibrator which is far too good to mingle with the common hoi polloi and instead has pride of place by the bed or in my handbag, depending on my mood.

I have a strict 'one in, one out' wardrobe policy which has obviously failed as I always need more drawer space so the sex toys had to go. But what should I do with them all? I have tried every one at least once so I could hardly give them away or sell them on eBay! And I don’t think my local charity shop would appreciate a delivery of used ‘marital aids’ (albeit from one careful lady owner).

While pondering my dilemma, I came to the conclusion that most sex toys are bloody ugly (especially plastic dildos which in my opinion are also useless). Who the hell wants the classic, bright pink, odd-shaped cock-a-likey? I have a particular disgust for any any vibe or dildo with a smiley face or those shaped like a deformed telletubby or a dolphin or a giraffe or whatever…

I have to admit Candida Royalle’s Natural Contours collection does look a bit more classy and could be mistaken for some trendy Phillipe Starkesque kitchen utensils. Supposedly the range was inspired by the contours of a woman’s body. I have the Superb model which is the medium size, lime green one. When I hold it to my fanny it doesn’t really do much other than make a hell of a noise and vibrate very mildly. It is either completely bollocks or I should consult my doctor about my misshapen 'contours'!

There are also a number of 'rabbits' lurking in the drawer. Thanks to Sex In The City and TV appearances from the likes of Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross, the rampant rabbit has become a fashion accessory. I just don’t get it. In the drawer there is a lurid purple one with beads inside. There’s a vivid green one smiling at me. Yuk. Another has a jelly surface which attracts fluff, hair and dust from miles around. And the last is a waterproof model with a brick sized remote that weighs a ton. It’s hard to choose between them. Um? Er? Actually they’re all rubbish! I’ll freely admit I’m biased as my favourite vibrator is just so much better…

In fact my vibrator is practically perfect in every way and it guarantees me a mind-shattering orgasm every time. It looks a bit like a trendy metal key ring. Very simple in design - a metal rod about 10 cm long with a screw attached to the bottom. What makes it so impressive is the incredibly powerful, yet silent motor. Just turn the screw and you get va va va va va va vooooooooooom… with hardly a sound (if you ignore the noise I make). You can stick it wherever you fancy or just get off by using its explosive might. It’s made from the same material as piercing jewellery so it’s hygienic and easy to clean. I know the blurb on the back of every vibrator box promises power and stealth but with mine it‘s true. Aside from myself or my man, nothing can turn me on and get me off faster.

Let me tell you the story of how I acquired this precious metal object. At trade shows, just before it’s time to pack up the stands, there’s always a frenzied swoparama between exhibitors. That year I was having fun with the Wildcat boys who had spent the entire show swigging Jack Daniels out of Vince Ray mugs and eyeing up the ladies. That’s Rock ‘n’ Roll! We have a perfect symbiotic relationship – they love porn and my movies in particular and I love their glass dildos and rocker jewellery. I handed over a stack of films and they presented me with, amongst other things, the metal vibrator. I was impressed with its stylish looks but completely blown away when they turned it on. Straight away I headed for the ladies loo and boy did it get me going! Orgasm over and still slightly flushed, I legged it back to their stand and put in an order for 20. That was birthday and Christmas presents sorted for all my girlfriends.

A few weeks later, the rock ‘n’ rollers called with bad news. The genius old codger who had invented the incredibly powerful yet silent motor had disappeared. Nobody knew if he had died, retired or gone out of business. He’d vanished and taken his secret with him. Damm that man! Didn’t he know that there were women out there in need of his invention? I was gutted for my girlfriends, but in a selfish way relieved that I had mine.

Wildcat have since recreated the vibrator with a new motor. I haven’t tried it so I can’t comment on the power. Go to the Wildcat website and search for VIB3 Unisex Internal Vibrator. It amazes me that such a powerful little sex machine is simply referred to as VIB3!

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the Rock Chick which is hands-free and stimulates the G-spot and the clit. I have made a declaration of love / lust to my metal vibrator ‘til death do us part, but I might be fickle… If I do I’ll report back.

So there I was bagging up the vibes and dildos when I got an idea. Every where I look these days I see ads encouraging us to recycle our broken or unused mobile phones. It’s good for the environment and they get sent to people in need. Maybe I should launch a similar service for sex toys? Do my bit for the community and reduce my carbon vag-print.

The Girl With A One Track Mind

It all started when I was waiting for a train to take me up north for the weekend. There were the usual delays so I tackled the physically demanding assault course that is buying a book in a minuscule magazine kiosk. Amid thousand of other pissed off commuters, I browsed the special offers and emerged exhausted with a copy of Girl With A One Track Mind (because I liked the cover).

I was vaguely aware of Abby Lee's book. I knew that she was a woman whose high sex drive had caused quite a stir. What I didn't realise was that she is a blogosphere legend with 100,000 readers a month all eager to find out about her latest real life sexploits. (I get excited when I get 1 comment, I can't imagine what it must be like writing for 100,000 fans!)

Anyway, there I was whiling away the time with Girl With A One Track Mind and I have to say I was shocked. Not shocked in a Mary Whitehouse way but shocked that a fairly innocent looking book contained such graphic sex. Her writing is genuine and frank with stories of fucking strangers in pub toilets, alfresco wanking, S&M and rock hard cocks being shoved up her arse. And anybody, including a young impressionable teenager could have easy access to this material.

If I'm honest, I'm a bit jealous. I deal in porno, with moving images of strangers getting fucked in toilets, wanking and rock hard cocks, and my business is heavily restricted by UK law. So how come there are none of these restrictions when it comes to reading about X-rated sex? Can I deduce that words do not deprave and corrupt but moving images obviously do? Dress hardcore sex up as something else, i.e. a French arthouse film or Abby Lee's book, and you have no problem...

So I read Girl With A One Track Mind and despite getting angry that her book is available everywhere and my movies are not, I really enjoyed it. I got so turned on that I suggested to my boyfriend that we have sex in the train toilet, but that's another story... (Sounds like a porn script, doesn't it?)

Her sexploits are honest and I love her philosophical attitude to sex (is that sexophical?) But I found the ending quite intriguing. It seemed to me that she loved every minute of her explicit sexual journey whether it was a one night stand or lesbian lust or being a voyeur at a sex club orgy, but ultimately she realized that to have the intimacy of a relationship she ought to give up instant gratification fucking. If that was the case could her blog exist beyond the book? Whether this was intentional or not that got me reading online and now I’m hooked.

I read other blogs (mostly those about sex) on a regular basis, all of which are beautifully written (I’m always envious) and make me think and / or laugh. But there’s something about Girl With A One Track Mind that keeps me coming back for more. I think I’m addicted for three reasons:

1. She genuinely lays herself bare (no pun intended) and exposes ALL aspects of her sex life which makes it so compelling.

2. The girliness. Despite being overtly sexually and admitting to wanking three times a day, she still gets upset when the guy doesn’t call. She has a fancy knickers fetish and explains in minute detail about blowing her budget on the latest silky purchase. My girly fetish is expensive skincare, different product same thing.

3. Her passion seems to rub off on me and I find myself agreeing and disagreeing with her in equal measure. I wholehearted agree with her pro-safe sex message. One of her posts reads:

“People like to fuck.
People will fuck.
Throwing money at teaching young people not to fuck doesn't work.
Spending money educating young people about fucking safely, does work however, resulting in lower rates of STIs and teenage pregnancy.

Advocate condoms not abstinence: it's common fucking sense.”

I think that is marvelous. Being a big-titted woman myself, I don’t agree with the fact that she loves having big tits but hates people looking at them. If you don’t want strangers to stare at your cleavage either cover it up or get over it. Men are obsessed with boobs – as I have already posted.

All in all, I say well done Abby. It is a joy to read about an intelligent woman loving sex. Long may she shag. And if you are reading this and fancy trying your hand at porno, let me know as I’ll be the first to offer you an audition.

Sex Education

One of the weird things about porn being your job is that sooner or later your parents will ask you work-related questions. Being a convent girl from a good Catholic family, I did not receive any formal sex education. Instead I remember being taken to the library by my older sister who thrust a book into my hands which showed an anatomical line drawing of a couple during intercourse. The guy was on top with his hands by his side about 2 inches above the women. As a result for years I believed that the cock muscle was so strong it could support a guy's entire body weight so he could sort of levitate during the act of lovemaking. I spent many years thinking about this and wondered if the cock muscle could always perform the levitation trick or was it just in female company that it gained it's super-power!

Thankfully, 30 years on and my knowledge of all things sexual is much more extensive. Despite the fact that I spend a lot of my working day talking about sex, I still find it a little tricky when my parents grill me for information. I know most people don't want to think about their folks having a sex life (I'm cringing now as I write this) but count yourself lucky that you do not need to explain the finer points of sex play to your mum and dad!

When I started the business my mother wanted to watch one of our movies as she had never seen a “pornographic picture” before. I told her that I would happily give her a VHS (it was 8 years ago) but she couldn't watch it in front of me. She sharply told me to stop being so prudish and proceeded to watch the movie in my office. Her deadpan expression remained unchanged as she sat through blow jobs, threesomes and a bit of girl girl action. When it finished she proclaimed “there's an awful lot of penis licking.” She was right, porn does involve an awful lot of penis licking.

A few years later our printers produced a calendar with a glossy, double-entendre picture for each month. Two iced buns looking like tits, that sort of thing. My Dad loves a good calendar. He uses it to mark down the cricket and rugby dates, so I gave him one. Everything was fine until he called asking about November. This is how the conversation went:

Dad: Great calendar, thanks darling.
Me: You're welcome.
Dad: There's one thing, I don't understand November, it's a picture of a necklace.
Me: Yes, a pearl necklace.
Dad: So what is the double-entendre?
Me: Dads, it's a PEARL NECKLACE.
Dad: But what does that represent? I asked the lads down the pub and they didn't know.
Me: [sighing and cringing at the same time] OK, um, ah... well what does a guy do when he has sex?
Dad: Inserts his willy into a woman.
Me: [more blushes] Yes, and what, um, er... happens when a bloke plays with his willy? [why on earth am I referring to it as a willy???]
Dad: He ejaculates.
Me: [cringing so badly I'm doubled over at the other end of the phone] Yes and where does he ejaculate?
Dad: Inside a woman.
Me: Yes, but um... where else can he ejaculate?
Dad: [confused] On the floor?
Me: [at the end of my tether and talking really quickly] A pearl necklace is when a guy falls short of cumming on a girl's face, hence pearl necklace. [Ah, relief!]
Dad: [amazed] Really, that's a pearl necklace? Well I'll get brownie points from the lads for knowing that, thanks darling.
Me: [still sighing and cringing] My pleasure Dads!!!

The pearl necklace conversation was just the start. Since then my Dad has asked me if double anal is “two willies in the bumhole”? Answer: Yes. “How do you shoot a double anal scene?” Answer: With great difficulty. And finally after watching Brokeback Mountain, he quizzed me about gay sex. A key moment in the film is the sex scene between two macho cowboys, shot in such a way that you only see their silhouettes projected onto the side of the tent. Dads was under the impression that all gay men did was wank together and was quite surprised when I told him that they do have anal sex.

We all know our parents have sex, how else would we be here? I have 3 sisters, so mine have obviously have done 'it' more than once. Despite this, discussing sex with my parents is an odd role reversal that still makes me a little uncomfortable. I thought I had rid myself of all the Catholic convent girl repressions, but being open and frank to your folks about the ins and outs of sex is one hang-up I think I'll hold on to.

Women and Porn Lesson 1

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BOYS TOYS AND TITS

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Porno Food

We have instigated a new lunchtime regime at work. We take it in turns to cook. I say 'we' but actually I'm not part of the cooking rota because I can't cook.

Since we started, a plan has been hatched to create a cookbook. We have had hours of fun designing this imaginary book, which has been titled 'PornoFood: recipes from the kitchen of Hot Rod Productions.' The book would combine glossy, hardcore pics with simple, healthy recipes. Sounds good, eh? All we need now is a publishing deal.

I ought to mention that there are a few rules to our smut-inspired lunches:
1. Every dish has to be christened with a porno name.
2. The budget is £1 per person per day. Depending on how many people are at work, lunch ranges from the expensive, like 'Piss On My Rice Bitch', to today's dirt cheap Brigitte Bui dish which cost an unbelievable 38p per head.
3. Where possible we use organic vegetables, the dirtier the better.
4. All dishes must be made and enjoyed within the 1 hour lunchbreak.
5. Friday is dessert day, money permitting.
6. The cook doesn't wash up.

One of our staple lunches is 'Lesbian Stew' thus named as there's no meat in it. For cold winter days there's 'Hot Rod Hot Pot' or a particular Geordie favourite 'Toad in My Juicy Hole.' There's also 'Cock Soup' which sounds disgusting but is actually delicious when made by my sausage-obsessed Polish assistant.

'Stuffed Lolly' is named after the Great British porn star Lolly Badcock as a roasted red pepper looks just like her stretchy labia. Lolly's labia lips are discussed at length most lunchtimes, today being no different.

'Piss on My Rice Bitch' is one of our posher recipes. It is a feta cheese risotto with lemon grass. Now on to the Brigitte Bui dishes... Brigitte Bui is a stunning Italian 21 year old, ex-model turned porn star. Busty and blonde with legs up to her armpits, everyone agrees she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and very, very sexy. Problem is she fucks like a plank. So Brigitte Bui dishes looks great but are actually tasteless.

For dessert there's the scrumptious 'Banana Rimmers.' Melt a massive bar of Dairy Milk chocolate in a bit of full-fat milk and pour the gooey, pooey mixture over the bananas and there you have it... Banana Rimmers. Eat and enjoy, safe in the knowledge that it is so calorific that it is actually off the scale, which means that it's on a par with calorie free. That's girl thinking!!!

Aside from the health benefits of a hearty home-cooked porno meal, another good reason for our lunchtime get-togethers is that we sit round the boardroom table and chat. Today the conversation started with the problems associated with shooting a DP (double penetration). Then we discussed bank charges. Followed by a lube review where we came to the conclusion that warming lube is a complete waste of time as who'd want to rub chilli on their fanny! This lead us on to herbal viagra and we decided that 'Golden Root' does the trick. Then our favourite topic of conversation - just how stretchable are Lolly Badcock's lips? And we finished off chastising Jenna Jameson for being far too thin and Katsumi for have surgery. Not bad for 30 mins.

I love my lunchtimes. They're the perfect chance to get away from my desk, eat good food (unless it's a Brigitte Bui dish) and gossip about sex. What more could a girl, who can't cook, ask for?

Love Letters Straight From The Heart (Part 1)

By far the best part of my job is the feedback I receive from customers. I'm thankful to every single person who writes to me. The comments range from the sensible to the downright odd. From a business point of view, the informative letters are the most useful but they aren't so much fun. As a thank you to everyone who's written in I've included some of the more outrageous ones below. Enjoy. (I can't give you an example of the handwriting but aside from that everything is quoted as written).

“My likes are:
long hair surfers guys,
long hair skateboad guys,
long hair student guys,
long hair hippies guys,
long hair bickers
long hair rock stars.
I am able to pay good cash for any of the above. Please rush me any info. I need to know.” Thomas, Avon

“Fantastic orgasm during, next door had to shut their window.” Richard, London

“Me and my wife enjoy watching hardcore videos. WE LOVE IT” Romeo, London

“I NEVER HEARD, I JUST FINDOUT. 70'IES IS THE TIME, WHEN WOMEN WAS LOOCKING MOST ATRACTIVE EVER!” Robert, London

“Safe sex” Tim, Bristol

“Made me realise things I never knew before” DJ, Surrey

“THE FILM WAS SPOILED BY SILLY COSTUMES! WE WOULD LIKE BIZAR WITH DOGS” Ken, Dorset

“Mate got caught wanking over it. I didn't get caught (yet)” Perry, Surrey
“More dwarves!!!” Ryan, Derry

“It was arousing. 'Stiff city'” Martin, Devon

“(NICE + HORNY) (THE WIFE WAS PLEASED)” S&Y, Derby

“Heard my brother / Dad groaning! Excellent! Enjoyed the film with the whole family!” John, Cheltenham

“Nice history” Ragee, London

“Do you have any shapely young fat girls? + stockings. Advise?” Mark, London

“Like orgies a lot” Mr R, Scotland

“It gave me a hardon the size of Trafalgar Squar!! Loved it. Great jiz film” James, Somerset

“That fat bird was fucking minging” Jim, Taunton

“VERY GOOD. COLOUR BRIGT NOT FUZZY” David, Rotherham

“Brazillian Boychicks... motivated me to go to Brazil” Simon, Poole

“Very creamy” Clark, Taunton

“Hot Rod is the dogs!!” Shepherd's Bush' Leading Wanker

“I LIKE THE SHEMALES. YOU NEED TO USE MORE OF THEM” Spencer, London

“I FUCKING LOVED IT AND IT WAS GOOD” Mr L, Stoke on Trent

“It raises ones curiosity, and is good for the imagination, and shows people are stranger, than you think” Keith, Preston

“My mum told me about this film. THE BEST SPONGING I'VE HAD IN A WHILE” Daniel, Stafford

“I LOVE SEX” Selwin, Prestwich

“An education” David, Surrey

“Jenna Jameson is amazing. Excellent camera angles” Craig, Lincs

“ti saw pood porn” Colin, West Midlands

“GOOD FILM BUT NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT WAS SAID EVEN WITH THE SUBTITLES LIKE TO SEE MORE” Peter, Southampton

“I am a vigorous 53-year old male ... I have been a senior academic... I still have academic robe, mantle and cap... I have a 7” penis and am very good at giving oral.” Anon

“not very hard porn i was very dist bontin” Caroline, Cardiff

“More kinky stuff
more cum in the arse
more cum in the mouth” Paul, Great Yarmouth

“WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE PENETRATION OF THE CUNT BY THE TOE OF THE COURT SHOUE” Mr P, Cheltenham

Talk Dirty To Me

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Porn Is Better Than American Express

Every year a friend of mine has a weekend summer party. Last year I arrived with a load of DVDs under my arm and I was amazed at the welcome I received. There was nearly a fight as everyone clambered to get their hands on the hardcore. As I stood back to watch the frenzy a girlfriend turned to me and said “a big box of porn is better than a gold American Express card” and she was right. There are so many times when the promise of a movie has got the job done.

I'll set the scene for you. Essential phone line in the office is down. I call the phone company who promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. The company apologizes and promises to send an engineer the following day. Next day, no engineer. After another few days of this, I'm ready to strangle someone. Then, hallelujah an engineer arrives at 4.30pm on a Friday afternoon. He looks at the fault, shakes his head, sucks his teeth and says: “Sorry luv, I clock off at 5pm so I can't fix it. I'll call head office and get them to book you an engineer for Monday”. Me: “Would you like a copy of Spunk Loving Gangbang Sluts 8? What about Killer Pussy or maybe Witches of Arsewick? On second thoughts why not take all three!” Phone engineer: “That'll do nicely. It should take me 20 minutes to get that phone line up and running.” Sure enough, 15 minutes later the problem was solved. I had my phone line back and the engineer left a very happy man.

Take the above scene and substitute the phone engineer for a builder, an IT consultant, a guy who delivers the water, a courier, a window cleaner, a plumber... in fact anyone who offers a service. As I said before, porn is better than Amex.

Actually, even when the guy doesn't want to get his hands on my movies it can work in my favour. In my first year of business the tax man wanted to come and check my books. In those days, I spent hours screening hardcore films to work out which ones I should buy for UK release. The TV just so happened to be on the table which was the most sensible place for the tax man to go about his business. The guy who turned up was short, balding and badly dressed in a polyester suit. He couldn't have looked more like a tax inspector if he tried. I sat him down, gave him the files and settled down to watch the next batch of porn. I don't know if it was the constant grunting, the slurps and smacks of pussy eating or the 'fuck me, fuck me in the ass, give it to me in the ass.' Maybe it was the distraction of a beautiful big-titted, blonde sucking on a throbbing dick just out of his field of vision? So near yet so far. Either way, Mr Tax Inspector couldn't stand it and after just 10 minutes he was done and he nearly fell over as he ran out the door!

You see, porno gets the job done.

Love Jenna

Chances are if you know nothing about porn stars, you will probably have heard the name Jenna Jameson. She is one of the few girls who has successfully made the jump from adult to the mainstream. Jenna's book spills the beans on how to make love like a porn star. Her latest beau is a famous American sportsman (with very odd shaped head) and they can be found hanging out with A-list celebs at all the right parties. Now there are rumours that Scarlett Johansson will play Jenna in a forthcoming film about her life.

So Jenna is a big star and I got the chance to interview her. The first time was about 8 years ago at the porn convention in Las Vegas. In those days Jenna was just an adult performer, working for a company called Wicked Pictures. Even though she hadn't made the leap into mainstream she was still top of her game and her image on a box cover would guarantee sales and lots of them. To be honest, I didn't know what the fuss was about, to me she was just another blonde and not a very attractive one at that. I used to refer to her as “a pig on a stick”.

The porn convention in Las Vegas happens every January. It is a chance for fans from all over the world to come face to face with their fantasies. Guys and girls flock in their thousands, queuing for hours to get a autograph or have their photo taken with their idols. In those days, it was full of glamour, companies spent a huge amount of money on their stands and would go crazy marketing their latest porno blockbuster. It was big and brash and very American. Well what else can you do when the porno circus comes to Las Vegas!

Anyway, I was told that I had exactly 5 minutes to interview Jenna, she was signing on the Wicked stand and the queues for her scribble were already round the block. I had a set of appropriate porno questions like “what is the best way to suck cock?” and “what is your ultimate fantasy?” and my partner was going to film the interview. We waited patiently. When Jenna arrived she looked like an all American gal, in a pair of blue jeans, a pink T shirt and dazzling white trainers. Her blonde hair was tied back in a pony tail, her skin was Californian brown and her perfect teeth were as bright as her trainers. She looked wholesome and clean, not in the slightest bit sexy or porn starish. I remember thinking “what is all the fuss about?”

When the fans cottoned on to the fact that Jenna was going to be interviewed they mobbed the back of the stand and the throng was about 10 people deep! Jenna was completely unfazed. So I start with my questions. “How did you get into porn?” She was a stripper, met someone working in the business blah, blah, blah. “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Quite young, it was with some guy from school and so it went on.

I never understood about star quality but as I interviewed Jenna I realised that there was something about her. I couldn't really put my finger on it but in the space of 2 minutes it was like I had fallen in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply. I was transfixed. This normal looking girl suddenly became a woman oozing sex appeal. At one point I asked her what was her favourite part of her body and she said her feet. Very slowly she started to unlace her trainers, she removed her Snoopy socks (she told me she had to wear them as she hadn't done the washing) and wiggled her toes. The crowd when mad. Honestly, all she did was move her feet and men and women were fighting to get a closer view. This hysteria had got me too and I was so chuffed to be sitting right next to her!

Since then I have interviewed Jenna another 3 or 4 times. I have seen her do rock chic, I've seen her do glam. I've watched her start her own company, direct porn movies, sign contract girls and pushed for woman to play a more integral role in the adult industry. She is always professional and always charismatic but like true love, when I think of Jenna Jameson I will always remember our first time.

The Bottle up the Bum

Many years ago before hardcore was legalized, I produced a gay porn movie. The talented, young director stumbled across a disused Victorian toilet and we decided it was the perfect location for the bottle scene.

The scene involved 2 guys. It would start with a bit of wanking, move on to anal sex and then the grand finale was going to be a bottle butt fuck. So my first job of the day was to find a suitable bottle and the bottle-ee had requested one without a lip. Off I marched to the supermarket and wandered up and down the aisles inspecting every single beer bottle. Believe me, it isn’t that easy to find one without a lip and after 20 minutes of pondering a fresh faced assistant was by my side offering his help. I so desperately wanted to say “I’m shooting a hardcore, gay porn movie in 2 hours. Which bottle would you suggest for some rectal ramming?” Obviously, I didn’t say that but only because the shop assistant looked about 12 years old! After much deliberation I decided on a couple of different bottles and went to join the rest of the team.

Now the Victorian toilet was a stunning location but we didn’t really have permission to use it. Luckily, the door wasn’t locked enough to keep us out so we sort of broke in. If the police or the council were going to come knocking then the producer (me) would be the one who would have to take the flak, so I was a tad uneasy from the beginning.

We shot the wanking and the anal without a hitch, then it came to the bottle butt fuck and the guy due to be anally annihilated turned to me and said “sometimes when you are being fucked up the arse with a bottle, it can cause a vacuum and the bottle gets stuck. If this happens, DO NOT try to pull it out and definitely DO NOT try to break the bottle, just take me to A & E and they will sort it out”. The matter of fact way in which he said this made me think that he had experienced bottle butt fucking misdemeanors before. Anyway, lights, camera, action... within minutes that bottle was racing towards sphincter-ville. The blokes seemed to be enjoying themselves but as that bottle got further and further in I was turning into a nervous wreck. I had visions of speeding through the rush hour traffic with a porn star’s hairy, white arse complete with bottle, stuck out of the passenger window of my car! Actually, I was worrying for nothing, these guys were professionals and one thing a professional knows is that you will not get anywhere in the porn business unless you have an accommodating arse.

BOOBS

The other day I had to audition some stars for a production. I enjoy auditioning but it can be quite surreal. You meet, chat about other productions, discuss people in the industry, talk about mutual friends etc. and then they get naked. The funny thing, is that the conversation doesn’t usually change as the clothes come off, so I end up discussing the latest bit of industry gossip while my companion is standing there stark bollock naked.

Even if the performer is a big name, I still like to audition him or her, not because I desperately want to see them naked but because it lets me know if they will be any good on set. As I said before, if a bloke can come into my office on a cold, miserable evening, drop his trousers, get a stonking erection and then shoot his load when I say “action,” he will probably be able to perform in any situation. By the way, a note to all the wannabe porn stars out there, you don’t need a big cock to work in porn, you just need an obedient one.

With the guys, I’m looking for how well their dicks perform. With the girls, I check out their silicone to natural flesh ratio. I have to say, I’m sick to death of plastic tits, plastic lips, plastic noses and now plastic pecs for the lads. It used to be the Americans who were constantly being pumped but now we Brits are equally addicted. The thing about plastic tits is that they don’t look or feel anything like natural ones. Whatever the size, fakes don’t hang properly, don’t move properly, they definitely don’t bounce properly and you cannot underestimate the effect of a good bouncing boob! I’m happy to say, men will pay money to watch voluptuous women jangle their jugs and I’m happy to serve them (not personally, you understand).

After 10 years of watching plastic tits, it still makes me chuckle when surgically-enhanced girls lie down yet their boobs stay pointing to the ceiling. Despite what these girls say about their top-notch doctors, I can always spot fake tits. There are two methods to do this: the “how high are they” method and the “how round are they” method. The “how high are they” method is quite easy. Just work out the size of the boob in relation to the position on the chest. If they are big tits and high up (i.e. not much droop) then they are fake. If you were naturally blessed with whopping knockers (and I am, so I’m talking from experience) then chances are, even with a good bra, they will hang a bit lower.

With smaller fakes use the “how round are they” method. If a pair of tits looks like someone has got two bits of playdough and just lobbed them at a girl's chest, then they are fakes. I suppose the fail safe is the “how much do the tits move while a girl is running for a bus” method!!

The disadvantage of my fake tit methods is that you will need to spend quite a bit of time starring at women’s tits, but I suppose most men do that anyway.

The Porno Life

I’ve decided to write this blog to give a bit of insider information about the UK porn industry. I’m a woman who has been working behind the camera in the adult industry for the past 10 years and I’m fed up with all the myths about the industry I love. I’ve been thinking about writing something for a while but what propelled me into action was another late night TV show warning of the perils of porn! At first, I thought the programme was a piss take then I remembered I had received a call from a TV researcher who wanted to know if I could supply him with names of porn addicts or just anybody interested in their 15 minutes of fame. Like most TV researchers who call the office hungry for adult information, I tell them to go and do some bloody research!!!!!

Now the airwaves are inundated with TV shows about the adult industry and I have to admit that in my time I have featured on quite a few. All these shows pretend they are going to unearth a new angle / perspective when in fact they are all an excuse to show tits and arse (thankfully not mine). I’m a pornographer and in my book there isn’t anything wrong with tits and arse but don’t try and dress it up as something intellectual. If big tits and pert arses increase your viewing figures (and obviously they do, otherwise the researchers wouldn’t call me) then be honest. If a researcher called up and said ”the viewing figures are shit between midnight and 2am, so I’ve been given some money to make a programme and I think we need as many tits and arses as you can pack into 26 mins. Can you help?” I would give him every name in my little black book (actually it’s a little BlackBerry).

I have to say, considering TV programmes about the porn industry are so popular most of them are a load of bollocks and just perpetuate myths, like all female porn stars are disturbed individuals. All the girls I have met are well rounded, ambitious, grounded people who love their jobs. Yes, they are exhibitionists and they like the thought that men all around the world are wanking while looking at them but apart from that they are a really great, fun loving bunch of gals.

The other misguided myth is that everyone in porn earns as fortune and lives the playboy lifestyle. The earning a fortune is probably the biggest myth of the lot and as for the playboy lifestyle if that was true then I’d be in a hot tub, sipping champagne from a stiletto rather than writing this! I suppose porn is all about fantasy and people want to believe that we live the fantasy lifestyle. A few years ago I was having a meeting with Ben Dover (a much loved, well known British director performer). Lunchtime came around and we decided to nip to the supermarket for a sandwich. When we got to the checkout the bloke behind the till recognized him and said “Ben where are the naked ladies?” Ben Dover explained to him that we were having a business meeting and had popped out for some lunch but this guy would not believe us. He followed us to the car and when he found it empty his face dropped for a moment, then he piped up “You’re gonna shoot a scene, you are on your way to an orgy, aren’t you? Can I come and watch?“

Working in adult is like working in any other business, I spend most of my days sitting at a computer, calling, emailing etc. until we shoot a movie and then things are slightly different. I have to admit that it can be a little weird meeting someone for the first time and within minutes they are naked and having sex on the floor in front of you.

One of the biggest myths surrounding production is fluffers. I don’t use fluffers for the simple reason that if a male porn star can’t get an erection, keep an erection and do a cum shot on cue then he shouldn’t be a porn star! It’s like saying I’m a butcher but I don’t handle the meat! In my business if you can’t handle your meat, go home.